Well, I think Ill go turn myself off....

my urine is orange. i'm so dehydrated i'm pissing pulp. the enlarged taste buds on my tongue and cloying at me like a disease. sometimes my chest starts hurting so intensely i prepare myself for a heart attack. maybe that's what they are. my mouth tastes of ash. my hands smell of ash. my eyes look of ash. i feel like a chimney sweep. the bruise on my quad is blooming. my face is greasy with sweat and canola oil. my stomach churns... always, always.

i haven't eaten since this morning... i just worked another day without a break...i didn't sleep last night... i was still drunk when i got up... the lunch rush was my break. i didn't even have to help the guys stock the wood pile. my everything hurts.

i have every reason to engage bitterness. but what i feel is not anger or spite or coldness but an overwhelming and all-encompassing sense of cynicism. cycnical to the point of complete disregard for everything; the be all and end all trump card for any bullshit i encounter. for every cheap son of a bitch who throws up roadblocks, i smile as i counter with pure wit. there is nothing that can stop me.

there are pains, there are wears, there are tears (and tears), but always, always there is energy.

this manic energy will one day swallow me whole as it has my mother. but to bask in it and to embrace it not as an object of shame, but as a weapon. to channel it and hone it and cherish it and to master this weapon-- to become one with the energy is to become one with the ultimate. it is the honest perception of invincibility. of utter awesomeness.

so yes, i am jaded, but i accept this state as the product of my consciousness; the price of self-awareness is the inability to purport, submit, condone and or regard any amount of bullshit whatsoever simply for want of a better world.

is it philanthropy i speak of? if so, it is some of the most egotistical kind. make no mistakes now, if you understand me thus far, you're probably willing to accept just a little more.

i live for me. and me only. purists will scream about karma and hypocrisy, but one need only consider the definition of me. i am a monster of energy, and i consume all.

i AM all.